all work and no play makes panda a dull bear

inside my DUH mind

2010-10-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

you know what I really missed writing. I missed the days were paper, pen and thoughts were my best friends. Seems as though this passion for writing is slowly slipping out of my hands, Honestly it has been an effort for me to even construct sensible sentences. This is no ordinary writer's block i'm telling you my mind has been very stagnant from the last semester until now. I miss my curiosity my drive to learn every bits and pieces of information that stimulates my mind to function. Maybe Sylvia Plath is right If you invest so much effort and time in honing just one skill you will lose interest on the rest.

What will happen to my dream to:

become an articulate writer?

become fluent in Nihongo?

to be a discreet dancer XD

become somebody someday

this is so depressing

no other

2010-09-10T12:30:00.001-07:00

Senbazuru 千羽鶴

legend says that if you folded 1,000 paper cranes you’ll be granted one wish by a crane

It's been hell yeah months since I've updated this blog and yeah my life has experienced many twists and turns that are left unpublished since then but I believe there are reasons for that as cliche as they say some things are better left unsaid.. ohhh ohh ohhh demmit I've been trapped in the trance of the song no other by suju LOL anyway what's new with me? I'm really happy at how the Lord makes me realize things well at first I never wanted to take my practicum at any other sites except airports/airlines but he placed me at the Department of Tourism and you know what? I'm really surprised because I'm enjoying it, I enjoy the opportunities that comes with working on the government I never thought I will be introduced to some people from the industry and also I'm learning things that only the department can give me and I'm really happy for that :) well I also learned a new hobby and it's really obvious ^^^^^^ I'm really proud of my first origami I actually gave it to my love :D and also I'm planning on doing the senbazuru wish me luck because obviously I really need it n_____n I really need the wish!

btw i miss you panda blog!!!!!!

ps. I missed writing with passion lately I observed that my writing lacks the passion it once have my posts are very random...:(

au revoir summer!

2010-05-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

and that means on the job training for me whew..not that I don't want to experience it but maybe because I've enjoyed my summer escapades this year that's the reason why I've passed my resume late and well you know the rest I got REJECTED from the first practicum site assigned to me..

The reason why I have been such a slob is because of the endless summer outings that my family have planned this summer well according to my tally here are the highlights of my summer I've been to puerto gallera twice XD but barely touch it's pristine waters LOL..went swimming with my highschool batchmates..had another indoor swimming trip with my extended family at 8 waves and white house XD plus a rumor is circulating again in our family that there will be another swimming this saturday watda :))))))))))))))))))))))

anyway I can't blame them for planning so much swimming trips the only culprit is global warming grrr...

nuff of that

I'm also pretty excited and happy of the result of my latest hair dye whatcha think?

and the results are in...

2010-05-05T08:06:00.000-07:00

okay so I was really wishing hard to be recommended at Japan Airlines but as my faith unfolded I will not have my OJT recommendation letter presented to the nihon people but to the malays yeah you read it right I was recommended at Malaysia Airlines in their Makati Office at Ayala Ave. After letting it sink in I steadfastly researched the basic infos about the said airline well If i'm going to spend 300 hours of my time as a trainee there I might as well get to know the company... and I was really impressed when I read some of it I never had the slightest idea that MH is the 6th placer on the top airlines of the world and is also one of the privileged airlines to get a five star status from skytrax and because of that I learned to appreciate this company that was recommended by my professors to be my training ground before I face the real world. I just hope that I will enjoy my OJT there if ever they accept me.

a panda's life uncovered

2010-04-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

Isteph's routinary activities since summer started:

wake up at 10:30-12:00 -.-
watch pops in seoul, america's next top model, flip the channels for movies
watch time fly BORED
open laptop to surf the net
watch korean dramas, movies,music videos via you tube or watch dvds
take a bath
eat dinner
open laptop again with nothing to do but update accounts :)

WHEW!

I wonder where will I take my ojt this semester hmmmmmmmmmm.... :)

a change of heart

2010-04-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

I WILL KEEP MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK STARTING TOMORROW :'>

summer loving

2010-04-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

How I spent my days in puerto gallera :D

world literature

2010-02-20T10:06:00.000-08:00

isn't it so nice that after all those times when you've thought so little of yourself, your abilities and talents someone you never expected thinks the opposite?

Even after you've messed up big time and after leaving a certain not so good impression that person still thinks you have what it takes?

that you have so much more that you can offer.

I'm so sorry for neglecting your subject at most times.I'm really sorry for myself for messing up with the course that I love above the rest. I'm really depressed how I slowly took all of this for granted.

but I still thank you mam for believing in what I can be and what I can offer <3

a new perspective :)

2010-01-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

Hey it's been a while since I last posted something on my panda blog. The reasons for this is that I have become so engrossed in practicing and sharpening my creativity skills (lmao) because for the first time in my life I have found something in my comfort zone that at least can be worth something, something even just for me and that I can be proud of with myself. This is not passion but it can be let's see :D

and oh before I forgot i have also made an account in tumblr hahaha! If ever you want to check it out here's the link:

www.isteph12and3.tumblr.com

and to all those who hopped by in my blog a warm of kisses to all of you XD

I may not be posting here more often than before but that doesn't mean I love this blog less ^.^

have a cheerful day to all :)

south of the border west of 500 days of summer

2009-11-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

choices...coincidence...fate...magnetism...attraction...destiny...just mere words but can make a huge impact on a person's life. These past few week has been a total confusion on my part thank god I'm slowly recovering from that huge blow I never thought that the rose on my closet would bloom like that, wounding me on the process and left me bleeding with regrets. I never knew it would make way for special relationships to be ruined, destroyed,broken. I was so wrong.

Realizations I have many of them, though on the past I always justified myself as a normal human being very much susceptible to make mistakes I know this time I hit the jackpot. I learned that I have no right to cause so much pain to people who just wishes for me to love them just like the way they love me. No I have no rights to cause damage beyond repair on a person's life, I have no right to ruin a perfect life.

and this time just like Tom Hansen, maybe I just wishes to make something that will last..

calm me down will you?

2009-10-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

I'm currently frustrated as of the moment i'm typing this entry. I really really want to view my grades because I have this gut feeling that i'll fail one of my subjects this semester. A mixture of paranoia, anxiety and bitterness runs thru my system because I discovered that I have to be a lil more patient and wait maybe after the clearance is given to know the verdict. stupid me for leaving my registration form at my dormitory, seriously I need to change this habit of being careless and nonchalant over serious matters I really do need to grow up :((((((

blank

2009-09-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

it's been a while since I felt yet another heartache, it's been a while since a a tear have rolled over my cheek. it's been a while since I felt like a normal teenage girl suffering from emo sh*tness. I'm on the verge of exploding and yet again she has no clue about it, on the brighter side I'm also happy at least I know I'm still susceptible to pain after months of experiencing pure bliss. I like this tag line from the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind "I already forget how I used to feel about you" I don't want to feel this but she seems to be pushing me to feel that way. Yeah I know we are a living contradiction but I also believe that opposite attracts We have proven that to be true after we decided to become lovers but seems as though the sparks are finally loosing their their shine in our relationship. My heart is turning into ice unable to feel and give anything and it sucks.

She doesn't understand me the way she used to, She don't and never tries to understand me. I thought she knew me I thought I knew her.

I want an anesthesia injected to my heart so that it will permanently stay cold and numb, I want to divert my attention to bear with this suffering. I don't want to forget you don't make me.

If only I could turn back time lalala...

not that into you

2009-09-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

A Kind of Burning
(Ophelia Dimalanta)

it is perhaps because
one way or the other
we keep this distance
closeness will tug as apart
in many directions
in absolute din
how we love the same
tirvial pursuits and
insignificant gewgaws
spoken or inert
claw at the same straws
pore over the same jigsaws
trying to make heads or tails
you take the edges
i take the center
keeping fancy guard
loving beyond what is there
you sling at the stars
i bedeck the weeds
straining in song or
profanities towards some
fabled meeting apart
from what dreams read
and suns dismantle
we have been all the hapless
lovers in this wayward world
in almost all kinds of ways
except we never really meet
but for this kind of burning.

One of the many poems that touched not only my brain but also my heart! thanks for introducing me to this poem sir tim :)

panda on my mind

2009-08-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

I want an anti obsessor NOW as in today ASAP. I really can't decode why I'm behaving so bratty and childish when it comes to dealing with things that involves panda. I mean I'm used to some occasional disappointments and ruined expectations every now and then but when panda is the one who can't keep up with my ridiculous demands and towering expectations I turn into a monster. I can't help it, Even if I know that everytime I do things such as being sarcastic,mean and cold hurts panda deeply I just can't stop, at the back of my mind my pride is telling me that I should get what I want no ifs and buts. That I should be panda's TOP PRIORITY period.

I'm really guilty of being a selfish lover added to that also an obsessed one. I dunno if this feeling is still normal or right but what can I do my system is so used to being with panda, dealing with panda,caring for panda,loving panda. That I can't bear it if I don't see panda even for just a single day.That whenever I get turned down by her I became a monster, giving panda a cold shoulder treatment and crocodile tears.

tell me is this normal?

is this still love?

where can I get an anti obsessor. I need it badly NOW.

you will never be forgotten

2009-08-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

how do you handle a loss?I never thought losing someone who has shared their life with you could be this painful and conscientious. Experiences like this always make me regretful leaving me bothered with nostalgic thoughts, with unpleasing experiences brought by selfishness caused by growing up. I can barely remember this feeling because the last time it came to my life was when I was 10 years old, the moment when my favorite grand father died.

I never knew that my last visit would be the last time I can take a glimpse in his thriving life, I'm really ashamed of the past encounters that we have. As a child he really did a good job caring for me and treating me as his own when my parents decided to place me in his custody just so they can attend to their jobs, But as the years pass by as a teenager I really have this gut feeling that he perceived me as a slacker and hard headed kid I can't blame him because of the certain act of stubbornness I show whenever my family came to visit in their house.

I'm talking about my uncle. I never had an ounce of idea of his condition this week but when the moment my mother told me privately of what is reality passing through time. I knew the worst is coming, And for the second time in my life again I felt the feeling of emptiness because of loss.

Death its a natural process,some would say its normal all of us know for a fact that sooner or later we will get to this stage, But what about the memories, the experiences, the encounters that ends because of it.

people like me can never get over a loss.

read between the lines

2009-07-27T01:47:00.000-07:00

I'm losing all the patience my fragile heart can hold. I can't bear to live like this being burdened every time something goes wrong. I want to muster enough courage and try even just try to step one foot forward. I know its crazy just merely thinking about it but it feels like I've had enough. I have a headache and its painfully annoying, I need inspiration a fresh brand new start. I don't want to be the aim of nonsense complications. I want my individuality back even for just 1 hour because I felt like I've lost it the moment we shared bad faith.

learn it the hard way

2009-07-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

What i'm feeling today?you don't know how it feels to be like me, to think like me, of course rationally everybody else just like you in me fooling around in this lonely planet are unique with our individualities, but seriously being a melancholic has its many downsides and it will be much much more depressing if I enumerate them one by one.Just a tip, if you want to get close to me which I know will be next to impossible if ever we meet, never ever try to shout at me I may not look like I'm affected but inside my mind is rumbling for answers why you did such a very rude act. How I wish I could write better better than this crap >.< I suddenly have this urge to change, I miss my old self, I really do.

FIX YOU reposted

2009-07-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

ANG PUSANG ITIM ni Cirilo Bautista

Ang pusa sa aking durungawan ay
Payat at itim gaya
Ng iyong pag-ibig
Sa akin

Labis siyang matakaw
At kahit balat ng mani ay
Hapunan sa kanya

Kagabi habang
Puso ko’y lunod sa ungol
Dahil di nagbunga ang samo ko sa’yo
At ubos na ang pulot ng aking puso

Tila ulol
Na inatake niya ang isdang tanging
Ulam ko sa papag at padambang
Tinangay ito sa palupad ng kisame
Kinalambre ang aking bituka

Kanginang umaga pinatay ko ang pusang ito
at inihagis sa putikang estero

gustong gusto ko yang tulang yan pero ang saklap putol siya :(
KONTI NA LANG malapit na :)

:)) yehey buo na siya ^__________^ thanks anonymous guest!

undecided

2009-06-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

Lyric 17

by Jose Garcia Villa

I can no more hear Love’sVoice.

No more moves The mouth of her.

Birds No more sing. Words I speak return lonely.

Flowers I pick turn ghostly.Fire that I burn glows Pale.

No more blows The wind. Time tells No more truth.

Bells Ring no more in me.

I am all alone singly.

Lonely rests my head. —O my God! I am dead.

Lyric 57

by Jose Garcia Villa

My most. My most. O my lost!

O my bright, my ineradicable ghost.

At whose bright coast God seeks

Shelter and is lost is lost.

O Coast of Brightness. O cause ofGrief.

O rose of purest grief.O thou in my breast so stark and

Holy-bright. O thou melancholy Light.

Me. Me. My own perfidy.O my most my most, O the bright

The beautiful the terrible Accost.

You Shall Be Free

by Trinidad L. Tarrosa-Subido

I will not hold you by restraining hands

Nor yet by tears that silently accuse.

You shall be free—like waters on the strands

That come, and go, and tarry, as they choose.

I will not speak of days sweet to remember,

Of lanes we trod through April sun and shower,

Of twilight trysts through early-starred November,

Prolonged each twilight by an evening hour—No,

not a word to hint of that or this,

Lest speaking so, your going I impede.

I will resign myself to all that is—

Like unto sands when cooling waves recede.

O while the strength of seeing love undone

Still stands by me, I pray you, Love, be gone.

eto nanaman yung panahong nahihilig ako sa mga tula.Bumabalik yung dating ako,kung kelan hindi na ko sanay bakit ngayon pa nawala at BUMALIK.ayoko ng ganitong feeling hindi magaan sa loob.ayoko ng magisip ng kung ano ano pa kung ito ang makakabuti sige na lang.Ayoko ng makaramdam ng kahit ano kung pwede nga lang maging manhid siguro gagaan ang pakiramdam ko kahit papaano.Mahirap magtapang tapangan at lalong mahirap magkunwari.

slow

2009-06-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

I just want to share my favorite poem as of the moment :

SNAIL

by Conchitina Cruz

You fall behind

Because of the cloud

On your back.

It is heavy'

With rainwater.

When I stop To wait,

You hide In the cloud,

Choosing to drown.

It maybe short but it is meaningful depending on a person's point of view. I'm currently loving my Philippine Literature subject every bit of it added to that my prof in that subject is oozing with good looks that can make any girls swoon with admiration but here's the catch: he's not into females ouch..yeah it also took me a while to let that sink in but still I like him and the subject that he's teaching, maybe because it's been a while since I had a literature subject the last time I remember having it is when Im in 4 th year highschool and obviously I missed studying it. But my rants don't end there the real deal is that I really feel that I'm not pushing myself to the limit with my study habits and the likes in other words Im not applying myself in school though 2 weeks is really early to conclude but I feel this urge to cut classes just for the sake of pleasure. I hope I'll get over this feeling before its too late -.-

goodbye summer...

2009-06-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

WARNING: ang post na ito ay puno ng sari saring rants,kadaldalan at kung ano ano pa in no particular order so pasensya na kung ikaw ay maguguluhan,magtataka,maiinis o mabobore sa entry na ito anyway wala ka din naman magagawa kasi akin ang blog na ito so quits lang tayo orayt?hehe...

gusto ko lang sabihin,isigaw,iparating na oo ayoko pang pumasok!!!! :( last week aminado ako gustong gusto ko na pumasok dahil marami akong mga plano at aktibidades na gagawin sa linggong yun na napurnida dahil sa swine flu pero dahil sa nasiyahan ako sa week na ito mukhang ngayon lang ngsisink in saken ang saya at ligaya ng bakasyon T.T nooooooo!!!!!

simulan na lng naten nung june 8 isang napaka memorable na araw para smin ni panda, salamat na lang sa DFA at may rason ako para lumuwas at makita siya,kagaya nga ng nakalagay sa previous entry ko dun na namin idinaos ang kanyang kaarawan.marami kaming ginawang *ahem* memorable at unmentionable dito XD basta one of a kind yun ^________^

na nauwi nanaman sa isa pa uling masayang pangyayari dahil niyaya niya akong pumunta sa ako mismo event. Halos 2 days ako hindi mapakali at makatulog ng ayos dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ko huhugutin ang dahilan bakit ako luluwas.Nilambing lambing ko pa si daddy,gumamit pa ko ng kung ano anong rason at palusot pero dahil sa ayaw ako payagan sa huli napaamin din niya ko XD ayun sa awa ng diyos pumayag siya basta kasama yung kapatid ko haha oks lang kasabwat ko naman yun e XD

fastforward sa independence day...oo aaminin ko nung una gusto ko lang din ng dog tag pero nung nabasa ko sa dyaryo na for a good cause yung event mas lalo ko siya gusto puntahan.Ayun buong araw ulit kami magkasama ni panda plus yung isa niyang friend at yung kapatid ko. Napansin ko lang ang daming namakyaw ng dog tag hehe :)) parang gagawin business joke.
Na enjoy ko yung buong gabi at ang mas masaya dun pumayag yung parents kong tapusin namin hehe kahit 11 na natapos hindi sila nagalit ^_______^ ang laki ng tiwala nila kaya ayoko din naman abusuhin at sirain.

anyway ayun tapos na pagpapasarap haharapin ko nanaman ang realidad ng buhay bukas :( may pasok na ayoko pa talaga pumasok kahit magiging malaya nanaman akong gumala at magpagabi mamimiss at mamimiss ko padin ang bahay namin,ang kwarto ko,ang unlimited internet,ang unlimited sleep at unlimited food :( haaay parang hindi ko na maximize yung bakasyon sa mga worth it na bagay : isang beses lang ako nakapagdrawing,isang libro lang nabasa ko buong summer,hindi ko na meet yung highschool friends ko haaaay idagdag mo pa sa listahan na ang panget ng hairstyle ko ngayon alam ko mababaw pero isang factor padin yun XD haaay

mamimiss kita blog kasi hindi free ang internet ko pagschool days XD baka di kita masyado ma update tsk.mamimiss kita plurk bye bye nirvana :( mamimiss kita photoshop T.T

totoo nga ang kasabihan all good things come to an end.

june 8 = june 10 :)

2009-06-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

MASAYA AKO :)

as a result I can't sleep ^____________^

Today is panda 's day :)) and because of the suspension of classes because of that @##@#$#4 swine flu we can't be together on panda's special day but because we are sneaky yes you read it right we decided to celebrate it yesterday hehehe...We had the chance to spend some quality time together, eat together,walk hand in hand,play together XD,puff a stick together just like the old times I really miss doing those things with panda because the summer vacation stripped away all those things from us -.- good things classes will start on june 15. :)

Our activities yesterday were extra special we went to random places (HOSPITAL-DORM-DFA-MALL-DORM) yet our adventurous feet never got tired actually whenever I'm with panda i never get tired what boggles my mind more is whenever i see panda smiling back at me I always notice those sparkling eyes ^_____________^ and it makes me fall in love with panda more :))

Pardon me for my "emomoments" in my past entries *lmao* seriously IDK what had happened to me that resulted in the posting of those entries shucks...

ANYWAY

I'm just here to greet panda a very happy and pandarific birthday ^_____________^ I love you!!! hindi ka na teenager XD pero ikaw padin ang nagiisang baby ko :) I seriously can't see myself without you ^________^ you're my no.1 coffee.panda.egg *KISS*

that's what you get when you let your heart win...

2009-06-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm bothered with things that I myself can't define. I'm tired of being useless of being nothing.I'm sick of being a burden especially to people who means so much to me. Maybe I need to find myself, know myself better first before entering commitments but no my heart, my emotions contradicts what my mind is commanding me, even though my mind bears a minimum amount of logic it has instincts, it knows when to stop.it knows when it's time to get over- to get it done with.

but then again and again my heart wins this never ending battle with my mind.I don't know if this is right,I want to fix this I really want to. I'm always facing the fact that yes I committed betrayal once and I'm guilty of being unappreciative but then again I'm always hoping and wishing for forgiveness and acceptance which up until now is not in my hands.

If you only know how much it pains me every time I am reminded of the drastic things that I have done,of the neglects that I have shown you. But it seems like you don't even have the time to notice my efforts.

I wish I could sleep tonight...

clueless.

2009-06-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

just a while ago I was comforted with the thought of utterly pure bliss and relief but right then and there an unfathomable idea struck me far more worse than guilt.

It's as if I'm lost in a labyrinth..my instinct is tugging my mind that there is something wrong..I don't want to conclude but these are just plain and mere observations.

I hate guessing,I loathe perceiving,I am disgusted with the idea of half knowing

I don't want to be played upon again by my mind. :(

side effect ng kimi wa petto sa utak ko

2009-06-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

Tick.click.clunk demmit this is still not good enough not even worth glancing upon.delete.erase hmmm...After almost 15 minutes of re typing and deleting words.sentences.phrases still I cannot comprehend and alter my brain to produce heart melting,eye popping hmp no I should not write to please other people's expectations or even to be judged.

Love stories..romantic movies..Everytime I finished watching movies,series about love wheter it be a sad and painful or a happy ever after ending I always end up craving for more seriously I want to decipher the different dimensions and uncertainties of loving.Call me a sentimental freak but i'm a heart on my sleeve kind of person.cheesy lines make me smile,sappy songs moves me and make me think heck even tag lines of romantic movies even gets me.

Maybe because it's so damn hard to find someone who can see right through you,looks inside your soul and knows you perfectly well.Someone you love for no reason at all because reasons are just like excuses.Someone who will stay :)

and I'm really glad I found ONE.

NIRVANA :)

2009-06-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

matapos ang matitinding pagsubok

sa wakas pagkatapos ng walong buwan nakamit ko na din ang aking inaasam...

naabot ko na din ang plurk NIRVANA

abaaa..hnd ka naniniwala ....

ayan ang pruweba oh!*turo sa baba*

weee! ang saya saya

panda love

2009-06-01T05:08:00.000-07:00

*turo*
base sa nakikita niyo sa itaas masayang masaya ang panda :)

siguro nagtataka kayo bakit?

kasi binisita ako ng itlog/panda love dito sa bahay namin ^_____^ nakilala na niya ang aking tatay, mga kapatid (love stureey,sharmaine)at mga pinsan (aleah and gab) kahit na may kaunting white lie ang pakilala ko sa kanya *ahem* XD haha nakakatuwa dahil nakasundo niya yung mga kapatid at pinsan ko lalo na si ineng (maarte)hahaha...goodshot siya kay epi yis!so kahit kelan pwede na siya magpabalikbalik dito sa bahay namin :))

oi panda kung nababasa mo ito thankyou sa effort mo para puntahan ako kahit di mo kabisado kung saan lupalop ako ng pilipinas nakatira pumunta ka pa din ang saya saya ko kanina parang ayaw na kita pauwiin hehe...I LOVE YOU! *gulong panda*

3 years from now ganito padin kaya ako? :))

2009-05-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

Since school is just around the corner and well I will be a junior this coming semester it suddenly hit me that sooner or later I have to give up my childish acts think more maturely and well be boring. Usually when friends/parents ask me "ano bang balak mo pagka graduate mo?" I'll just answer with a mischevious grin and tell them "yumaman hahaha nako matagal pa naman yun". So normaly they have a perception that I'm not really serious in creating my life ahead of me and well I can't really blame them but now miraculously i'm blogging about my plans/future. hahaha baka naman kasi isipin nila wala ako kahit anong pangarap.

Anyway since I'm taking up a hospitality course which is B.S tourism (which i know have a bad impression and loads of discrimination) I have quite many career opportunities. and I narrowed it down to three. I maybe either join the:

*airline industry

*hotel industry

*cruise industry (may pagkaimposible dahil may takot ako sa shipwrecks)

and after examining the pro's and con's of each I find it really hard which path I'll pursue.

This is my choice well I really like to apply as a flight attendant and work for japan airlines it is what can be regarded as my dream job but I know it so d*mn hard to be accepted here :)) butas ng karayom ang kailangan pagdaanan and according to sources the company prefers experienced applicants oh no! 0.o well my parents are rooting for Philippine Airlines but well it's not that I dislike or anything but it will always remain as my second option (ang kapal ng mukha hahaha) at kung mahirap mag apply sa JAL mas mahirap sa PAL hahaha sabi nila artista search daw? I really wantedto work at an airline company but it seems like im under qualified -.-

here are the qualifications for PAL :

Females must be single; at least 5'2 1/2 in height (preferably 5'3' and above)
With good visual impact and pleasing personality (patay talo ako pagdating dito XD)
Weight must be proportionate to height
With clear complexion and good set of teeth (panget ngipin ko naka braces hehe)
Must be a college graduate
Must have excellent command of English and Filipino
Preferably knows how to swim

Then again if I failed to enter either of the companies I'll just resort to the hotel industry but my parents restrain me from doing so I don't know why but based on the experiences of my cousin its really fun working on a hotel especially if you're getting tips from filthy rich customers the only problem is you have to endure long hours of work especially if you're on the graveyard shift and also the temper and anger of some ungrateful customers -.- sheesh..the hotels that I want to apply to are the following: Hyatt Regency Manila, Sofitel (formerly Westin Phil plaza)Pan Pacific Manila. o cge mangangarap na talaga ako Manila hotel :)) as much as possible I want to work in a hotel with a goodname but goodname=5stars=so much formality :( so maybe I'll just resort to 3-4 star hotels along the metro shucks formality kills me >.<

Lastly gusto ko na din magsolo at tumira magisa pagka graduate ko para feel na feel ko talaga ang aking independence watda :))

gusto ko pa sana magaral e kahit anong english course kaya lang mukang ma popostpone muna yun haha magiipon muna ko XD ang sarap mangarap :)) lalo na at libre. Haay ang hirap mamili lalo na pag under qualified kaya mas masarap maging free lancer :)

LOST

2009-05-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

Confusion like a great wild fire it spreads, ranging,angry no it can't be constrained; it will not give up that easily without a fight. As my battle with confusion continues I have no idea what are the pro's and con's of my actions based on my prejudiced decisions. I am searching, seeking for someone- my saving grace are you still there?

whimsical thoughts

2009-05-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

Panda's curious mind asks:

Does DISTANCE really makes the heart grow APART?

my top 5 drools

2009-05-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

Out of the stillness of the night in the solace of my room and particulary out of boredom a spontenous idea sparked off my mind and I decided to blog about my latest crushes *grin* *blush*

and so...

Ladies and Gentlemen here are the top 5 cutest guys and gals in my eyes for the year 2009 (this is in order)

1. Matsumoto Jun

First on my list is japanese actor Matsumoto Jun, I first saw him on the japanese version of the famous meteor garden/boys over flowers = hana yori dango. Admittedly I did'nt find him that appealing when I first saw him because his hair is curled in the series and no offense but i hate curly hair especially on men but children are exempted because they look like cute little cherubins when their hair is curled.

Anyway isn't he cute*giggles* I really like boys who look like girls or are feminine looking and matsumoto jun clearly has that quality so he's no.1 on my list.

2. Agyness Deyn
Spell hot and I'll blurt out britain's hottest property agyness deyn's nameXD saw her in the fashion channel my cousin and I are watching and I was really captivated with her rebellious angsty boyish look.Besides that she models for designer brands such as burberry,armani,paul smith and shiseido (google search XD)

aside from being a top model she's also doing vocals in a band called the lucky knitwear thus making her much much more hotter :))

3. Tamaki Hiroshi

3rd on my list is another japanese actor Tamaki Hiroshi well many of you might recognize him because he plays the role of the brilliant slightly mysterious and very strict music student in Nodame Cantabile series and that's where he caught my attention. Well let's just say that he fits some of the qualities that I find quite lovely in a guys such as mysterious,talented,quiet and slightly snob :)

4. Eun Hye

She plays the quirky and cute barista in the famous coffee prince series, honestly I find her more attractive with her hair chopped off like this than when she have long stressses in princess hours where she played an instant princess because of fixed marriage.

Well I find her quite a darling because girls who look innocently cute even though their hair are chopped off like a boy's turns me on XD and well how I wish that I would look damn cute like her if I tried chopping my locks that short too.

5. Wallace Huo

Well just look at his nonchalant,serious and annoyingly handsome good looks and that explains why he's my fifth anyway I don't have that much info on him all I know is he's a taiwanese actor and he first caught my attention on the taiwanese dramas a promise of love in the dolphin bay and west side story.

That's it they are the apples of my eye for the moment of course there are the untouchables (john lloyd cruz,sib sibulo) which inevitably will always be on my top list :)

If I were a BOY lalalala...

2009-05-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

gusto mo ba akong maging boypren? *lol* ayan oh basahin mo ganyan ako kung naging lalake ako hahaha :))

sarbey stolen :)) from roz :)

1.on your first date, would you do your first move?
> oo, bobolabolahin ko muna saka ko gagawan ng "da moves"haha..

2. would you kiss her on your first date?
> sa cheek pero kung game siya smack sa lips :)

3. would you hug her?
> oo sweet ako e diba itlog? :)

4. would you listen to her?
> of course, kahit mag nag pa siya i'll still listen

5. will you make her cry?
> NO.pero di naman maiiwasan un.

6. will you accept her of who she is?
> oo naman :)

7. are you faithful enough to stand for her?
> yep di ko siya iiwanan oha oha

8. lolokohin mo ba siya?
> kung nakikipaglaro siya lolokohin ko din all's fair in love and war *lol* pero kung seryoso syempre hinde.

9. gagaguhin mo ba siya?
> hinde,nanloloko lang ako pero mas masama un nang gagago :))

10. iinintindihin mo ba siya?
>oo, susubukan,pipilitin hahaha...

11. mamadaliin mo ba siya?
> hindi, i will respect her no matter what pero wag naman un sobrang tagal(joke)

12. mamahalin mo ba siya ng todo?
> OO NAMAN :)

13. iiyakan mo ba siya?
> oo kung mahal mo talaga at nasaktan ka bakit mo pipigilin baka magkasakit pa ko sa puso hehe..

14. will you treat her like your own?
> ANAK? 0.o incest ba *lmao*

15. respect her?
> of course.abot langit pa :)

16. will you cheat?
> aahm ayoko magsalita ng tapos.NO pero mapagmahal ako e tsk haha hinde NO talaga promise.

17. madali ka ba magsawa?
> aaminin ko OO :( un ang masaklap kaya dapat palaging exciting XD

18. are you willing to sacrifice your life?
> oo kung kailangan huwaw

19. will she be your inspiration?
> HAHAHA OP KORS inspiration hinde desperation :)

20. message for her:
> oi ILOVEYOU!!!!!! *gulong panda*

Second Part.
1. Saang exclusive school ka mag aaral? Bakit?
- exclusive?boo walang girls science school sana para maganda wahaha.cge don bosco na lng :))

2. Taga saang eskuwelahan ang girlfriend mo? Bakit?
- PLM haha brainy girls turn me on XD

3. Anong gagawin mo na hindi mo magawa pag babae ka?
- lalabas ng walang t-shirt wahaha ang inet eh

4. Anong gagawin mo pag Valentine's Day?
- makikipagdate..manlalandi...mangroromansa XD

5. Umiiyak ka ba?
- Oo pero hindi madalas

6. Palaaway ka ba?
- pag inaabuso o nababstos lang :D

7. Pano ka manamit? Hip hopper ba or rocker?
- nyay i hate labels.depende alamko naman kung anong bagay saken e

8. Anong tipo mo sa babae?
- brainy,cute,may sense of humor at pasensyosa oks na oks na :)

9. Chickboy ka ba?

-OP KORS tinatanong pa ba un wahaha..

10. Torpe ka ba?
- hindi tsss ayoko maunahan :P

11. Anong hairstyle mo?
- F4 style wahaha hinde ung parang bagong gising lang gnun

12. Sa first date mo, san mo dadalhin yung babae at anong gagawin niyo?
-sa kahit anong theme park at maglalaro kami buong araw o kaya sa kahit anong desserted pero magandang lugar para makapagusap kami at makilala ko siya ng lubusan *rape na!*wahaha

13. Anong pananaw mo sa lalake ang gusto mong mabago?
- aah mayayabang? tsss hindi na un mababago nature na nila yun

14. Magdadala ka ba ng date sa batch night/prom/ball mo? Kung oo pano mo siya tatanungin?
- Oo. ganito ko siya tatanungin: uy may date ka na? alam ko wala pa hehe pwedeng ako na lang tapos yung mata ko puppy dog eyes nagpapacute wahaha

15. Isasayaw mo ba siya o hayaang umupo ng 4 na oras?
- Magsasayaw kami!kaya nga niyaya ko siya e pero kung ayaw niya ok lang din mas romantic magsolo XD

16. Anong gagawin mo pag sinabihan kang bakla?
- hahalikan ko siya right away!bakla pala ah wahahaha...

17. Sport o banda?
- both.pero mas inclined sa music

18. Anong ayaw mo sa babae?
- feeler.di ko naman type nagpapansin pa din un mga gnon

19. Matalino ka o petix sa school?
- matalino pero petiks :))

20. Anong itsura ng barkada mo?
- mga mukang bum at walang pakialam kagaya ko hahaha

gulong panda

2009-05-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

As of May 13,2009 at exactly 1:43 am im again an official panda!hurray! *clapping of hands with stomping of feet*

I'll always be a loyal panda at heart!

I love you love you panda! :)

an open letter to a rolling egg

2009-05-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

hey!yeah you I know sooner or later you're gonna read this,I'm really not the confronting type of person so I resorted to blogging because I don't have the guts to tell you personally the reasons on why I've been acting weird,different and irritating this past few days. The first reason for that is boredom yeah you read it right boredom kills and as both of us knows I'm stuck here in the house with nothing good/productive thing to do and you're attending to your OJT maybe I'm just envious towards your daily routines/activities so I force myself to you even if you're too busy or at leisure time with your new found friends I know it's evil but I used to fight you so that you'll notice me (it's pathetic i know.)

Second is that I feel left out yes, this is the answer to your questions on why I clam up everytime you mention or talk about your co-OJT'S I don't know what to react or say because I don't know them personally as a result my responses to you are lame and curt OK's because I think If I don't reply a single word or sound you'll get mad and think I'm not interested or something.Another thing that bothers me that happens almost everytime we talk on the phone is that there are lots of distractions come on!it's really irritating you and I both know that our time talking on the phone is very limited but always there will be someone that will talk to you when they can for a fact see that you're talking on the phone really it's very RUDE. What sucks more is that I'm jealous towards him seriously I am pissed when you had drinking session with HIM I just pretended that I don't care.

Third is I know that after your daily routines you are tired so I don't disturb you as much as I want to not as much as before :( and more often than not when we text each other you always sleep on me I feel like you are not that interested in keeping in touch with me.

As a result I feel useless and unwanted, I hate this phase that we are going through right now I hate that were going through this separately I hope we can surpass this.

Now you're seeing and discovering the other side of me the shadowed one I know it's not easy to comply with a person like me, I hope you can still bear with my impatience,moodswings and rudeness.

I'm sorry for my short comings and craziness this past few days ILOVEYOU :(

miss youuuuuu!!!!

2009-05-07T01:30:00.000-07:00

Things that i really miss:

*my panda

*panda kisses

*panda hugs

*panda porn (lmao)

*panda smile/laugh

*my UST friends

*my "special friends"

*plm friends :))

*dorm mates

*dorm

*UST

*PLM :))

*SM Manila

*dapitan

*mcdo

*pasay XD

*kwek kwek

*siomai rice

*isaw

*gulaman

*c2/pulpy orange

*fishball,chickenball,squidball

*yosi (joke ^_^)

*no curfew days

*dating days :((

*manila zoo

*national museum

*starcity

*shogun :))

*educ building/carpark

ang dami kong namimiss i swear ngayong pasukanbabawi ako rawrrr :))

north vs. south grabbed from jenna :))

2009-05-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

Are you northern or southern raised?when i read this from my friend's blog I could'nt help but giggle I don't really know if its true haha so without her knowing I grabbed it XD *evil laugh*

so here it goes just be the judge of your own actions *lmao*

The difference between North and South Boys.

ang north boy, kung gusto ka, liligawan ka..
ang south boy, hindi mo alam, nililigawan kana pala..

ang north boy, crush siya ng barkada mo..
ang south boy, gustong maka-tambay ng barkada mo..

ang north boy, liligawan pati nanay mo..
ang south boy, babarkadahin ang nanay mo..

ang north boy, tahimik at polite pag kasama ang pamilya mo..
ang south boy, makwento at masigla kapag kasama ang pamilya mo..

ang north boy, first-date ninyo sa nakaka-impress na restaurant..
ang south boy, first-date niyo ay movie tapos coffee..

ang north boy, bongga mag regalo..
ang south boy, simple pero meaningful ang ireregalo..

ang north boy, sasama sayo at sa barkada mo..
ang south boy, isasama ka sa barkada niya..

The Difference between North and South Girls.

ang north girl tahimikang
south girl bombastic

ang north girl stick to one
ang south girl.... sticky

ang north girl okay kasama sa mallang
south girl mas okay kasama sa party places

sa north girl, kuya ang turing nila sa mga close nilang lalakisa
south girl, pare ang turing nila sa mga close nilang lalaki

ang north girl, pagdating ng 12mn: guys it's late
ang south girl, pagdating ng 12mn: guys sorry i'm late

ang north girl game sa mga activities
ang south girl mas game sa mga dares

ang north girl di mo lam kung oo or hindi ang sagot sa guy na nanliligaw
ang south, basted kung basted

ang north girl inoorder mga cocktail drinksang
south girl inoorder ay beer

ang north girl di papayagan sa overnight
ang south girl di na nagpapaalam pag nagoovernight

ang north girl mas mahirap i-date
ang south girl, kwek kwek lang okay na!

ang north girl, may probability na strict ang parents
ang south girl, most of the time game ang parents

ang north girl ayaw ng walang plano
ang south girl spontaneous

which do you prefer? XD

contemplation

2009-04-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

I don't keep my words and decisions and this time I'm glad even though those characteristics mentioned shows immaturity I'm likely to accept them as my own.

after nearly one day of suffering were together again :))

I'm really clueless about the way panda behaved that faithful night but looking at the bright side it bore many realizations in my sanity though i'm really glad i'm still sane after what happened. I figured out it's not that easy to stay and maintain a relationship especially in our case, though loving much is a factor it is not the only requirement one must be very sensitive and observant like a keen eyed eagle to one's partner so as not to tamper disappointments and hurt on their feelings

though no relationship is as perfect as the stories we read on novels and we watched on televisions still those imperfections make your bond perfect because it will shove you to realize the golden value of acceptance.

Everyday that passes as fast as people rushing through the exits and to those future days that will come I'm really trying hard to bring all that spark again though many times I know and expect I'll fail still I will not surrender.

I admit I'm good at fake promises but still I will take my chances.

April 26,2009

2009-04-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

Never expect to outgrow loneliness,Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception, If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. - white oleander

I never thought in my whole life that I can attain atleast a bit solitude by reading white oleander how very ironic.

It's over and ok I will take on all the blame, I'm the culprit, I'm at fault.I never had a single idea on the whole duration of our relationship that you're the one whose going to leave me, I told you before never spoil me i might get used to it but anyway I'm thankful because I experienced the beauty and the bliss of how it is to fall inlove because of you.

I'm still in a state of shock everytime I awake from the realization that again I'm single alone in this world often times I caught myself staring at space for long periods of time thinking of the great loss that I had, I think in a couple of days, months when school starts were both going to be very busy and forget of the ugly hurtful things that happened, i know in time you will forget about me and the wounds and scars that I planted in your heart I'm really very sorry.

I just hated myself because i had this strong urge to listen to our favorite songs demmit I'll just settle for sad songs so that I can really feel the vibe and not pretend that were still together and everything is alright.

the funny things is i never thought that jealousy will destroy us let alone cause misunderstandings because come on it is very petty. but i respect your feelings and ideas about certain things and I cannot blame you if you thought of it as a vital cause of your hurts and sufferings.

I wanted to cry hard to release all the hurt the pain the disappointment everything but I can't I really just can't it's as if all the sufferings I have here in my heart just wanted to permanently stay and linger, they don't want to be released in the form of salty bitter overflowing tears.

In the end I can't hide the fact that I still love you but I know even after you read this I don't even know if you will take the time anyway it's useless.

where art thy books?

2009-04-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to clean my room but stopped because of 2 reasons: first just the mere sight of it makes me sick (not a good excuse) and second i had this strange urge to blog. I'm just here to tell about the past treasures that I once had but due to my carelessness they were either lost,forgotten or misplaced. My beloved and cherished books, when I was a child I had this idea that I would give my collection of books to my future kids sort of like a heirloom but as i grew i realized that hey childbirth is bloodshed painful so I don't want to have kids as for the moment.

here are my books that fell into the clutches of oblivion *chuckles*

*Dracula - I was halfway reading it when my cousin borrowed it from me.
*veronika decides to die
*a walk to remember
*a child called it
*confessions of a teenage baboon
*tuesdays with morrie - i lend it to my classmate and up until now she's still not returning it :))
*harry potter and the sorcerer's stone

i want to retrieve them someday :(

fond memories of my curious mind

2009-04-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm really correct on my suspicion that this summer will be one hell of a bore for me, so I prepared myself and bought a couple of books that i can devour on so that boredom will not kill me.The thing is I'm such a big dumbass because truth be told I have become addicted to the internet just as much as those DOTA boys or whatever you may call it type of kids.wtf I have become an internet junkie too.

Anyway i just reminisced the times when I was still a child, I;m so engrossed in reading stuff that catches my interest wheter it be about ancient egyptians,greeks,mythologies,trivias and the likes I even remembered getting an encyclopedia and searched for zeus' family tree that's how curious I am as a child.

but now i'm wrecked, it all started in my pre-adolescent years arggghh I started to have interest in teeny booper magazines gah! that did nothing but poisoned my mind about ideologies on how i can hook my crushes like fishes to my bait it makes me wanna barf.

HOW i wish i can caught my curiosity back i swear i will never let it slip away again ever.

whew!

2009-04-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

sa kauna unahang pagkakataon magsusulat ako sa wikang tagalog.siguro naisip mo bakit?wala lang susubukan ko lang kung mailalabas ko lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa pamamagitan ng pagsusulat ng dyornal dito sa lihim kong blog.naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil sa maraming bagay una mas binibigyan ko ng importansya ang pagbabasa at pagsusulat sa wikang ingles masasabing traydor ako sa sariling wika naisip ko lang nung bata pa ako hanga ako sa mga nagwewelga at mga NPA ewan ko ba?pilit akong nagmamakabayan pero ang lumalabas naman ay ang kabaligtaran masasabi kong isa akong malaking kasinungalingan (what a fake!) pag dating dun.kasi naman matagal ng nanalantay sa dugo ko ang pagiging writer mayabangan ka man o mabasa mo man ito o hindi iyon talaga ang "passion" ko kung ang iba madaming talent sa sports man sayaw o kantahan wala akong ganon ito lang ang nangyaring kabuluhan sa buhay ko ang pagkakamali ko nga lang mas nagbigay pokus ako sa wikang ingles kaya eto hirap na hirap ako magblog ng hindi pa text ang spelling kapag tagalog.

pangalawa pag dating sa buhay pagibig tanga ako hindi lang iyon gaga pa (loser XD) umikot ang buhay ko nung highschool sa mundo ng mga crushes na hindi man lamang lumilingon upang bigyan ako ng pansin may mga ibang naligaw oo naligaw lang para pagtripan ang puso ko kaya ayon nung bagong salta ako sa maynila (parang preso lang ah XD) para magkolehiyo HINDI ako sanay sa istilo ng mga lalake kung pano sila magpahayag ng pagmamahal at oo dun ko nakilala sa kolehiyo ang dalawang tao iyong isa minahal ko sa nakaraan at iyong isa naman mahal ko sa kasalukuyan.

simulan natin si nakaraan. sa kanya ko naranasan ang pait ng tunay na pagmamahal oo minahal ko siya dati sobra hindi ko lang alam kung minahal niya talaga ako. ang pagsisisi ko lang ay hindi ko naipadama yun sa kanya in a way oo may pagkukulang din ako malaki. kaya ng maisipan niyang gumanti ako ang natalo sa huli nang makahanap siya ng iba at naging masaya naging malaking sampal saken yun at oo sobrang nahirapan ako magmove on at aaminin ko andun padin ako sa stage na yun kahit mahigit 2 years na ang nakakalipas pag nagkakamustahan kami hindi maitatago ang bahid ng panghihinayang sa mga nangyari. may ka relasyon na siya ngayon at muka namang masaya siya dito at sa totoo lang ngayon ko lang siya nakitang naging ganito ka seryoso sa babae malayo sa pinakita niya saken dati :))

si kasalukuyan naman aaminin ko nung una hindi ako seryoso sa kanya (oo i know im evil) pero palagi siyang asa tabi ko nung halos dugo na ang iiyak ko dahil kay nakaraan. nagising na lang ako bigla isang araw at naisip ko mahal na mahal ko siya at hindi ko kakayanin na wala siya sa buhay ko. naging napaka saya ng relasyon namin kahit you and me against the world ang drama namin hindi ko maitatanggi na naging masaya at hanggang ngayon masaya ako sa piling niya. lumalabas ang pagiging bata ko pagkasama ko siya. natuto akong magpasensiya ng sobra at halos gawin ko na lahat kahit pahintuin ang oras basta magkasama lang kami.

pero hindi ko alam ang nangyayari samin ngayon epekto lang ba ito ng init ng summer pero nagsisimula ng mag tagulan ah?epekto lang ba ito ng matagal na hindi pagkikita?lahat ba ng magkarelasyon dumadaan sa ganito?kahit ilang beses ako tanungin AYOKO AYOKO AYOKO ayokong maghiwalay kami alam ko matigas ang ulo ko at paninidigan ko talaga yun wag lang siya mawala sa buhay ko.pero bakit ganon napapadalas na ang mga away namin,tampuhan, tiisan ayoko ng ganun ayokong nasasaktan siya dahil saken ang hirap talaga pag madami ka nang alam ******ina pinaglalaruan ka ng utak mo :(

insecurities oo madami ako nun nanalantay na yun sa mga ugat ko. kung alam niya lang, alam mo lang kung gano ako ka insecure sa kanila halos mawalan na ko ng sariling identity kakaisip sa kanya sa kanila :( naiingit ako sa kanila lalo na sa kanya lumaki kasi akong naka install na sa utak ko na hindi ako maganda,matalino,cool inshort loser at alam ko she have all those damn qualities. ang hirap mainggit at magselos at the same time nakaka stress,nakakapagod. At ang pinaka kinaiinggitan ko pa ay nauna siya sa puso mo una mo siyang minahal una mo siyang iniyakan una kang maging masaya sa kanya unang nagsparkle yung mata mo pag tinitingnan mo siya,una kang nainspire dahil sa kanya siya ang nauna lahat sayo yun ang bagay na hindi ko magagawa let alone mapantayan waw nangarap pako gaga talaga :)) kung alam mo lang kung gano kabigat sa pakiramdam malaman yung mga nalaman ko alam kong espesyal siya sayo hindi ko pwedeng alisin yun pero *ucha nagseselos talaga ako mahirap bitiwan ang nakaraan alam ko yan kaya alam ko may parte padin siya sayo na hindi ko pwedeng alisin hindi pwede :(
ilan lang iyan sa mga rason kung bakit nagtataka ka at unti unti akong nagiiba sarili ko ang kalaban ko dito at alam mo sobrang hirap sobra :(

ayokong mabaliw kakaisip i want to find solitude, tulungan mo ko panda,kailangan kita ngayon,AYOKONG mawala ka MAHAL KITA :(

my wonderwall

2009-04-21T01:47:00.000-07:00

It's really hard when you know lots of things, like a sly harlequin your mind plays tricks with you it may either lead to positive realizations or stupid and petty accusations yeah the mind really is powerful.After pondering hard and realizing what a great asshole I was suddenly I just wanted to make up with my shortcomings and stupidities, this is not just a promise but a sacred oath I really do love you and I wanted to keep you I will not let those stupid nosy pryers get in our way.I will not give you up.

Everytime i hear this song you're the only person that pops into my crazy mind because I know in myself cheesy as this may sound that you really are the one :)

btw this is just a line from the song:

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I know in my heart you're the only one that can save me from myself

i love you

2009-04-20T02:51:00.000-07:00

still my mind is restless, my heart is heavy desperately searching for clues that will lead to answers on why this is happening...i don't want to think about it heck i even hate myself for letting it cross and linger in my mind my intuition is whispering in my delicate ears that were heading for something i just hope it's for the better and not for the worst :(

this is probably one of the hundred times that i wish things will return the way they were before but no matter how many stars i wish upon on, how many wishing wells i have thrown coins on i know deep inside that it will never happen but still im hoping and hoping...

i don't want us to end and be similar to those star crossed suffering lovers, i know there's something special about you the first time i realized i love you, i really hope i'm not wrong on that realization because no matter what happen over and over again i know its you i will return to.

ILOVEYOU

i don't want to believe this

2009-04-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

Doubt knocks on the doors of my mind everytime we had a misunderstanding, like any other lovestruck human being i shoo it away filled with assurance that yes we are strong if not invincible cliche as it sounds and believed in those stereotypes that always promote happy endings and crappy love stories that seems impossible to exist but I'm wondering while typing this entry am I this desperate to hide my innermost sentiments and feelings to you?was this the sole reason why i have created this "private blog"? and when i learned that you have your own too i did'nt even felt a tinge of hurt that as of the moment we are now keeping things from each other.

was this purely trust?or more of guilty pleasures?

again and again I hated my evil mind

reality bites

2009-04-17T02:36:00.000-07:00

note to self:

stop being gullible to persons who you think you admire.They might seem,look,sound and say intelligent stuff the ones that fit your standard of perfection, they might show you intelligent things they can do to impress you and lure you in their trap to move you a little closer until you're in the pit and can't hold back to take the plunge and be lost in their sweet talks and lies, dont be fooled...a good heart is always better than an evil mind.

reason for my long abscence

2009-04-17T01:55:00.000-07:00

sunday night:

i feel the chills so i decided not to take a bath (i know it's disgusting) drank paracetamol and after a few hours of like perspiring a bucket of water i felt a little better and foolishly thought hey! it's so easy to recover from a fever (but i'm not aware of the torturous days that i have to go through because of this)

monday morning:

when i woke up from my slumber i automatically peed in the bathroom and felt the burning and painful sensation it surprised the hell out of me and mind you the *ucking feeling is unexplainable i loathe it.

later on when they checked the results of my urinalysis it shows that i have urinary tract infection and that the red and white blood cells in my urine are "too numerous to count"

so my parents opted to have me confined but after pleading like a fool they agreed to let me recuperate here in the house in the condition that i get better before saturday.

monday-thursday
worst days of my life my fever was on and off,peed like hell,drank half a gallon a day 0.0 it's maddening.

friday:
im all better :)

*i know that summer is the verdict of my UTI grrr that's the reason why i'm not thrilled everytime it comes but i guess it has taught me how to love and care for my body better so we're truce XD

dirty little secret

2009-04-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

spent the rest of the evening with BB XD it's been a long long time since i have installed something..felt like i was such a stupid loser asking panda instructions for installing anyway it was kinda fun in a way that we set our "issues" apart and just typed,clicked and talked..just like the good ol days ^___________^

im really loving this new blog in a way i can be my real self without anyone finding about my innermost darkest secret *evil laugh* kidding aside i love this blog because of the things i can say here without hurting anyone i guess *snicker*

i'm guessing one of these days this blog will be discovered *fingers crossed*

bittersweet

2009-04-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

i'm letting steam in my anger cool off while i'm writing at the moment..it's really funny that at some point of your life there are times that you think you have what you wanted the most but at that very moment your momentous feeling just slams down the drain and you end up feeling empty and sorry for yourself. i should be happy today not just happpy but ecstatic but no i'm feeling the blues, the lowest possible feeling ever and the worst part is this is my first ever post here in my blogger account.

if i could just take a glimpse of the past memories that we had the happy ones, God knows i'll do everything just to have another sip of it.I'll just let this night pass thinking of the reasons why i love and have loved you, so as to save my mind from this bittersweet damnation that will happen if i will persist.